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What better statement of liberation could I make, then, than posting on craigslist? I could have paid for any number of useful things—teeth whitening, having my apartment painted, a plane ticket to Milan, taxes—with what I spent on corsets, high heels, push-up bras, hose and garter belts in the summer of I got some good use out of them and when, after three weeks of record high temperatures, Daisy was finally able to fly home, I had been paddled, whipped, flogged and fucked in a number of creatively organic and inorganic ways.

I was down to one or two emails of interest from the original post. Anyway, I was losing interest. One of those lingering emails was from Dar. He thought my posting was quirky and too literate not to respond to.

We spoke and I had no opinion of this younger man with a rather flat voice but I agreed to meet him for a movie. We must have found something to talk about over iced tea afterward. I remember finding out that he has an MFA in creative writing and was from the West, which was enough to invite him to dinner at my apartment that week.

He arrived in a state of extreme nervousness. I cocked my head and sized him up again. I handed him a glass and sat down at my computer to pull up a research file. Tolerance grows for each. The two substances are cross-addictive. Do you want to know more? He gulped his tea and then took another long sip. The company Dar had been working for had thought it wise for them to part ways.

After meeting up with old pals, he took to dropping in; when he was through with his farewells, he asked to stay for a night before hopping a bus to Georgia. He stayed for ten days. The studio portion of the Bat Cave is about 15 by 40 feet, barely room for a single occupant. Except for forays to see his dealer, Dar worked frantically—downloading weird software, writing fragments of bopper poetry or base-crazy wisdom—on his laptop as I worked on a book.

It was unaccountably comfortable, each of us in our own bubble of thought, emerging occasionally to share a good line, a website or a song. At night he created an elaborate ritual of tucking Daisy and me into bed. I laughed as nervously as hair dancing over a flame. He stood up and walked over, unleashed Daisy, inspected the leash for a moment and then flung it into the kitchen behind us. I had never giggled, cried and come at the same time. That conjunction of silly orgasmic stars would happen once more in my life, the second and last time Dar fucked me and I made love to him.

At least he was long-sober the last time. At least he got it up on a whim and at least he came. Knowing we are now at a permanent impasse there cannot be a more stupid request I could make. Whenever one of my students goes through a breakup, I urge her to go out immediately and buy an album by an artist she did not listen to with her ex. With a lump in my throat, I listen to one tune and respond that I like it, then go back to playing Farm Town on Facebook.

Dar slams back. You know music is one of the most important things to me. I think you owe me more consideration than that. I stare at the email, wondering what to say to make it right. Which I tell him. This is progress. I have never argued with a man I loved. I was letting men spank me that summer. You know I really want to move to Seattle, right? I have a life there. I have you and Grace and a family the size of the Osmonds within miles.

I walk dogs. I have about four friends here, and the only ones I actually socialize with are Ben and Jean. I hate that city, but I could take care of Dad and see Dar on a regular basis. All I do is wave good-bye. Stop emailing him. Start saving your money and come back to Seattle. All the tears of rage and love coalesce around my vocal cords at that.

I miss Kevin, too. Kevin does that. I think of our stop in the International District on the way back to his house. He had to buy some fish to feed his three adolescent turtles. Freud would say that my first love was my father, and there is something to that.

Little girls say their fathers can do anything, but mine really could. He set my broken arm, fixed my doll furniture, made the best spaghetti sauce, built a nineteen-foot sailboat, knew which mushrooms were poisonous and missed a lot of dinners because in our town, he was the first doc called for an emergency.

He sewed up our Thanksgiving turkey with one hand and made new shoes for my Red Skelton doll. One Sunday afternoon he had forty-five minutes to teach me to ride a bike and I was flying down Dore Lane with five minutes to go. As a kid, I also adored my brothers, who are seven and nine years older than I. Sometimes the three of us or the two of them were an unbreachable whole—my aunt Mildred considered us juvenile delinquents when she tried to take care of us while Mother was in the hospital—but mostly we went our own ways.

As Shakespeare said, the course of true love never did run smooth, but for Kuffel, it seemed like one pothole after another… In this sharp and irreverent memoir, Frances Kuffel recalls her quest to replace her on-again, off-again lover with someone new and preferably less unstable. Fifty-three and never married, Frances opens her mind to all possibilities.

She goes out with an Orthodox Jew, is almost the victim of a scammer, stays out all night with a man twenty years her junior, encounters feeding fetishes and shoe fetishes, and generally reads a lot of strange emails. Brazenly honest and insightful, Kuffel comes through the experience with a new understanding of love and realizes that what she wants is not necessarily a knight in shining armor.

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